I’m 35, I just
got my own place. Took a while. Some people my age
are astronauts. I don’t know if I got
my own place because it’s like, I’m thir–like, that’s what–
like, it was the pressures of, like,
societal pressures. Like,
That’s what you do. You’re 35.
You’re a grown man. You live by yourself,
and you’re an independent man. You live by yourself,
and you start drinking scotch instead of crappy beer,
and you switch back to briefs. That’s what you do,
’cause you’re a grown man, and that’s
what grown men do. Or if I got my own place
’cause I realize I’m about to get
the type of weird that I can’t even have people
witness on accident anymore. Things are about
to get strange, and I’m gonna need
some solitude for that. And I think
it’s much more that. It’s not so much like,
“I’m gonna pay my bills on time and read more books.” It’s much more like,
“Twizzlers look like “they fit in buttholes, “and I cannot have somebody
walking into the laboratory when Dr. Kyle’s conducting
his experiments.” It’s this corkscrew shape. Lick ’em
and stick ’em, fellas. Find out about your bodies. It’s 2012. It’s not gay.
It’s about loving yourself. It’s okay. “Loneliness”
is a subjective term. You know, it’s–
it’s different for everybody. I mean, you’re a castaway
on an island. There’s nobody around.
That’s lonely, you know? But it could also mean
you lack the simple courage to be able to say
“hello” to somebody sitting next to you
on a bus. That’s lonely too,
you know? For me,
I can define loneliness. I can just hone it in
as the very moment that I realized
that I had forgotten I was masturbating at a motel
in Green Bay, Wisconsin. That’s it.
That’s the point. That what I remember. Just–
it’s not even sexual anymore. It’s just, like,
an aggressive shooing away of a nuisance
at this point. So like I–
“Come on, get out of here.” It’s like I’m taking a broom
to get raccoons off the porch. Like, “Come on.
Just–yah! Yah!” I understand now
why a dog can hump something but still
look right at you. Like, I understand that. You see a dog,
it’s like, “What? “This feels good
and you’re my buddy. “What’s–why? You’re the one making it weird.